Eight Months Old

Rutherford is eight months old today. The time has seemed to speed up these past few months, in part because I think he's been hitting so many milestones all at once. We have a tooth, he's crawling, he made his first sign ("more!"), he's been pulling himself up on furniture, he's able to go a bit longer between naps, eating so many different foods, etc. So many firsts and big boy things to be doing.

When he cut his first tooth we backslid a bit with sleep training and we paid the price. Over the past few days I have gotten back on the sleep program with success, but it has been bittersweet. Before his morning nap today, he wanted to nurse himself to sleep. I had to cut him off and put him into his bed, crying. He settled down very quickly, I think he was just tired. But it was the first time his "I'm-not-going-to-bed" tears really upset me.

Crying during sleep training hasn't really made me too distressed. Helping him get adequate sleep is one of my top priorities. It makes him a happier baby who is able to learn and explore like he should. When I am rested I am a better mama... a MUCH better mama. A few minutes of crying is the price we both have to pay to get a healthy, well-rested Rutherford.

But I will be honest. For many months I nursed R to sleep, and the idea of losing that is heartbreaking. During his middle-of-the-night feedings and almost anytime he was inconsolable, I would simply comfort him with nursing. It was the best thing for him for many months. Bonding, security, love and happiness. Important things for us to share together.

The time for that is coming to an end, though. If I nurse him to a deep sleep, he wakes up, wondering where I am. It makes him upset to find himself in his crib. He doesn't understand where I've gone. If I put him in his crib while he's awake and he drifts off, there is no confusion. He knows where he is. He stirs, sometimes looks around a bit, and falls back into Rutherford dreamland.

Sometimes it's astonishing how much better he sleeps when I give him space. And how much happier it makes him throughout the day when he's been sleeping soundly.

So cutting him off this morning hurt. I cried a little and Ned hugged me and reminded me that we're not building a baby, we're guiding a little person into adulthood. Rutherford needs us to make decisions for him because he can't do it right now. Those decisions might hurt us. Because some days all I want is to hold and rock my little baby forever - but I know what he needs is his mama to help him stand up on his own and explore the world from his perspective.

I still sing him to sleep, though. I may do that until he kicks me out of his room.